I am tired

I'm tired of attempting to live up to the expectations of five different people. I do one thing right, I disappoint someone else. Their is absolutely no winning. And it's exhausting. My head is full of so much useless crap. I am constantly thinking about how I should do things, or even if I should do things. Granted, sometimes I do things for myself just because I need that sometimes. It's like they, my family, want me to never do things for myself. Go to music, go to gymnastics, basketball, singing, church, rock climbing, horseback riding, violin, piano, guitar, France, Egypt, China, Hawaii, Greece, etc. I mean it's not that I don't deeply appreciate all the things that they have "forced me to do", it's just that when do I get time to go out and just stay out! For the longest time I wasn't allowed to go to the movies by myself. I was sheltered. I still am a little bit. Thank god it got better. Part of me understands that some of the decisions that I have made in the past have been extremely stupid. But at the same time, the past is the past. Their is nothing I can do to change the past. The only thing I can work on is changing the future. But that's not the point. The point is, that I have so many adults in my life and they all expect me to deliver different things, and I feel like it's starting to take its tole on me.

Myself

I need to get away from myself.

Taking Risks

This post is more for me than for you, the reader. Last night something amazing happened. I felt something that I haven't felt in quite a long time. I felt happy. I know it sounds so morbid, and a bit like im bitching/complaining. But honestly, last night I felt something that I haven't felt in a long time. The reason behind this is because I felt wanted, wich is something that I deeply crave. I guess you can say that its kind of my fault that I dont feel wanted all the time, because you see, im not one to take risks. So this is what happened last night.

Ill preface the story by saying this. Im not a huge fan of dances. In my four years of high school, I doubt that I have been to one dance. Even when their is one almost every weekend at the school I am currently attending. Despite all this, my friend convinced me to join him and about 20 others on a dance outing at a fellow all boys boarding school about an hour away. No it was not a dance with only boys. their were about 7 different schools in attendance. Half of them all girl schools. Upon arriving, I was immediately reminded why I never go to these dances. Its Boring. Nobody wants to dance. Well no. People were dancing but I couldn't find it in myself to get up and dance with anybody, seeing as I hate rejection. But then something changed. I couldn't tell you what changed, but something did. I found my self taking risks that normally I would not be taking. I started to work my way through the girls on the dance floor. Then, out of no where, I was dancing with this girl, and I found that i just didn't want to move on. I wanted to keep on dancing with that one girl, despite all the other girls around me. And we danced. To quote one of my favorite quotations from an amazing book and movie, Perks of being a wallflower, "And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." Neither of us wanted to move on. We must have danced for at least two hours. Me, this slightly short black guy, and her, this petite french girl with a tongue ring and dirty blond hair.  I don't know what it was between us, if it was the electric make out that we shared for quite a while, or if it was the simple fact that we understood each other on some sort of level. I know that if the dance had not ended, we would have danced all night. 

Now you might be wondering what this has to do with taking risks, and the reason why i'm telling you this story. The reason is because this girl that I danced with is gone. And as my friend so eloquently put it, she is my cinderella. We danced, shared a moment, and she disappeared with out a trace. Leaving behind only a memory of her face and the sweet kiss that we shared. I hope that one day, maybe the next dance, I might run in to her again. Maybe this will become a thing between us. Going to dances anonymously dancing and making out. Or maybe we didn't share something special, and im just being me. Who knows.  

Judging

What is it with the world today.

Why is it that whenever we, as human beings, see something that we don't understand, we either
A) Destroy it
Or
B) Deny it

It's like we can't help putting people down if we don't understand/like them. I mean honestly has it worked out in the past? I.E. Slavery, the holocaust, etc. One would have thought that by know the world would have gotten over doing such petty things. But noooo here we are again. Judging and oppressing people! This time its different. Not only are we judging and oppressing people, but we are saying that we're doing it all in the lords name! Now don't get me wrong, I do believe in god, but I'm not going to be the one to go around and say oh god hates you because your gay! (yes this post is about gay rights, if you have a problem, you can calmly take it up with my imaginary secretary, Ida) Anyway, there are people in the world who dislike other people because of how they want to life there lives. To that I say ok! If you want to live your life judging other people then ok, have fun. But the moment you take it into your hands to speak for an entire religion by saying oh god hates you because your gay, then thats when i start to take offense. Honestly, what gives you the right to sit there and say that. Are you god? No! Their are all sorts of stories of how generous Jesus is. Curing sickness, feeding the hungry, etc. What makes you think that all of a sudden he would just hate a group of people because of how they live their lives. Really people? Some people spend a majority of their time putting people down, but in reality they need to stop putting other people down, and start working on themselves.

The ever challenging pursuit of happiness

Let me start off with a question. When we were little we would all say oh I have a crush on you. Did we as children fully understand what that meant? I doubt that we did. As we got older, the way in which we could express our feelings expanded. No longer was it a simple crush that would pull two people together. Now it's something more profound. A deeper connection of sorts. The thing is, with the deeper connection, comes harder choices. In a way you can say that as a younger child we did not have the same amount of emotional needs as we do now. We did not need to be comforted in the same way, we did not need the close connection or the feeling of having someone else beside us. But at the same time, we did. We just did not realize it. Back then, it was so much easier to make friends, to form a "crush" for another person. And we were better for it. It wasn't as much stress and it was healthy. I don't think I'm making a lot of sense in this post but who cares. It's my thoughts. Anyway what I'm getting at is, I miss those times and the stress free environment that came with it.

Vent to former "best friend"

Recently I've decided to make some changes in my life. Some of them were a direct result of the events that happened between me and my quote unquote bestfriend. It's really funny how people can betray you after you have helped them through so much. This is the letter that I wrote to my bestfriend. I know the grammar and spelling is atrocious but you'll live.



Even tho u supposed to be my best-friending u still do me dirty like that. It's not even about the fact that Andrew told Jerah. It's about the fact that you told Andrew something that was an extremely closely guarded secret. Something that I haven't told anybody. You go around and expect that saying sorry will make forgive you. Like you didn't do something huge. Like you didn't betray my trust. You got upset with Andrew because of what he told Debbie but at the same time you are one of the most hypocritical people I know. You talk about me trusting you. Me not lying to you. Maybe the reason I lie to you is because I can't trust you with the truth. You might think this is a game you might even be smiling right now. I really couldn't care less. You think that it's not really a big deal that andrew told Jerah. But it's a lot bigger than you think. Not only does Jerah hate me at the moment, he's probably going to tell other people. People who I don't think I will be capable of facing. Not to mention he might blow up my spot on Facebook. Which then in turn will get to my father and other friends. In the past when you've done this to me it was just what ever. I forgave you but I never forgot what you did to me. Me! The one who has done so much for you. The one who has been there for you even when I got in trouble for it. The one who would and has, stopped doing whatever he was doing at the time to go get you when you ran away. The one who was there for you the other night trying to fix the problems that you had created for yourself. I know you never asked me to do those things for you, but I did. Not because its fun, but because I thought of you as my best friend. My sister even. Now I don't even know who you are. Yeah you told Andrew a long time ago, but It is because of me trusting you that the events of today happened. The way I look at it is this. You best friend is supposed to be their for you through thick and thin. No matter what happens. Whether it be a fight with your husband, your boyfriend or your family. I know I've been there for you, but can you say the same for me?


It's funny because of the way she acted after. It was like we were never friends in the first place, and she didn't care that the person who had been through so much with her just dropped out of her life. It got me wondering though, where we ever friends to began with?

Prep School Life.

Ahh. There are many things I can talk to you about today. I could make note of the fact that thanksgiving is almost upon us. How about how I woke up at five this morning to write a three page essay by seven. Or about how I'm so tired that I can't even keep my eyes open. Maybe ill just combine all three and talk about my amazing all boys school! (I hope you caught the sarcasm). Ill start off with this. I love my school there are so many good things that comes of going to a prep school. In prep schools you get a chance to make better connections with the kids of the future. You get a better chance to get into a good college. You become more active, you get experience with dealing with other people in a non destructive way. In my opinion most of the kids of the world that will make the future are going to prep schools. We get more vacation and you learn how to be a better person. Not to mention that in comparison to the education of public schools we are learning at an advanced rate. A normal class here is like an honors class at public school. Also the class sizes are smaller. The student faculty ratio is like 6-1 so you learn more. And it matures you and prepares you for college. AT the same time Prep school can be really hard on you. You don't get as much sleep as you normally did. I mean They run you hard. You're always doing something. From the classes at eight in the morning to the sport practices every day after school. Eventually it gets tiring. Not to mention the all boys. If you look at it it seems horrible. Always being surrounded by boys. No girls. AT ALL. With the few exceptions of teachers kids. If you really look at it though. its not that bad. Having all the guys around. You form a sort of brotherhood between all of them. and dispute the fact that you want to kill them at times, you know that you will talk to them even after graduation. Its the same at what ever prep school you go to. Your always form a sort of everlasting friendship. I have nothing more to write so I'm done. :P have a great day! 

I'm Right and You're Wrong.

People piss me off. It's impossible to please everybody. Recently I decided not to do. Sport because last year when I did the sport I messed up my knee. Now when I make the "surprising" decision of not doing the sport this year, everybody is in an uproar. "Oh why are you so scared to do the sport!" Or "You're so un-athletic!" Why is it that "we" as human beings choose to take the answer that will satisfy our own desires, and not the answer that might be the correct one. And I'm saying we because I know that as a person I do this at times to. The thing is, do we as a people understand that this is part of what is destroying us. We sit on our thrones made up of what we want to believe, screw what anybody else thinks, screw their opinions. I'm going to leave you with this. How many time have you done something or aid something that represents the quote. "If I don't think it's important than it must not be important." - Unknown
You might not have said it in your thoughts. You may not have even uttered the words out loud. But have your actions represented the quote. Have you done something that might have made you or other people around you think, oh he doesn't care about my opinions. Because as we all know, actions speak louder than words!

Small world

So I'm sitting here in study hall just listening to my music. Then out of nowhere a new song comes on. A song that I haven't listened to in a long time. A song about two strangers. "Don't stop believing" This song used to be my favorite song(sort of) I would always listen to it when I was not in a good mood. Lately my music choice has been that of "hard metal" as I like to say. In retrospect it does not even come close to "hard metal". I would like to say that my tast of music changed because I just got bored with how things where. But really, it changed because of how I feel. More so than before I find that I'm angry with the world. So many things are wrong with it. And I feel like things should change. I would get angry because I felt like everything was against, not just me, but all the children of my generation. So when the song "don't stop believing" came on, I realised that I shouldn't be angry with the world. The world is a small place. Every generation has different things to cope with. Instead of just worrying about how things are going to turn out for my generation, I should be thinking about how I will leave my print on the world. And how my generation will leave the world for the next generations to come.

This is something I wrote the other day in English. It's kind of depressing, and even though I know I'm not going to get any responses, it feels nice to put it out there. :D

I am waiting
I am waiting for the lies to end
for the people who are dying inside
to stand up for what they think is right
I am waiting for the world to recognize
for the people who are dying inside
to realize that they are not alone

I am waiting for the world to unite
for the rich and the poor, the week and the strong
to come together as one
I am waiting for the prejudices of other people to cease
for the world to realize that we are all one people
to stop the fear of being judged

I am waiting for the world to turn itself around
for the people to cast aside differences
to come together and be free from the tyranny that is ourselves
i am waiting for the world to have faith in its future generations
for the children to step up
to end this world of hate

I am waiting
for something that will never happen
to dream a dream of an earth where everyone is free